Bridging the Gap: Intention vs. Action in Relationships and Leadership

This article is based on a “Moment” shared by Dr. Henry Cloud on his website, Boundaries.me. It made me think about how to practically apply the idea that we judge ourselves by our intentions but others by their actions. In our daily interactions, both personal and professional, we often judge others by what they do, while excusing our own actions based on our intentions. This difference can cause misunderstandings and conflicts, as actions and intentions don’t always match. Understanding this is important for better relationships and effective leadership.

Self-Perception vs. External Perception

Self-Perception: We understand our own intentions, so we tend to excuse our actions if they don’t match up because we have the context.

External Perception: Others judge us solely based on what they see, without knowing our intentions. This often leads to misunderstandings.

Examples in Relationships

Personal Relationships: A friend might mean to be helpful but ends up giving unwanted advice. The good intention is there, but the action might be seen as annoying.

Work Relationships: A colleague might take over a task to help, but this action could be perceived as undermining someone else’s work.

Bridging the Gap

Communication

Clarity: Explain your intentions to others to reduce misunderstandings.

Feedback: Encourage open discussions about intentions and actions.

Empathy and Understanding

Perspective-Taking: Try to understand the intentions behind others’ actions.

Patience: Give others a chance to explain their actions before judging them.

Consistency

Aligning Actions with Intentions: Ensure your actions reflect your intentions.

Reliability: Being consistent builds trust and reduces misunderstandings.

Application in Leadership

Transparent Leadership

Intentional Leadership: Make your intentions clear when making decisions or taking actions.

Open Communication Channels: Create spaces for feedback and discussion so team members feel heard and understood.

Empathetic Leadership

Active Listening: Listen to your team members to understand their intentions and perspectives.

Supportive Environment: Encourage a culture where employees feel safe to express their intentions and challenges.

Consistent Leadership

Role Modeling: Show behaviors that align with your stated intentions. This builds trust.

Accountability: Hold yourself and your team accountable for actions to ensure intentions are matched by appropriate actions.

I am a fan of Dr. Henry Cloud, whose work on boundaries provides valuable insights into managing relationships. For more on this topic, I recommend his book “Boundaries for Leaders: Results, Relationships, and Being Ridiculously in Charge.” His insights have been instrumental in shaping my approach to leadership and relationships.